Three days ago I wrote a post about being grown up. Quoting a character in a Korean children drama, I noted that happiness is not something which is set in a stone. Each of us has different ways to be happy. What makes me happy is not always what makes you happy, and vice versa, and as long as you don't sink others' boats, please do what makes you happy and make your own happiness. But lately, I've felt like I forgot what I wrote about or, rather, I kind of have indulged in hypocrisy.
Two days ago--exactly a day after I wrote that post--my big brother came home and stayed for one night. We spent the night talking about random things, mostly about girls, since my big brother is (still) in search of a soulmate. We came to a moment when I started to feel sleepy and he felt like doing something so while I was trying to sleep, he turned on his notebook and tried to connect to the internet. He grumbled that he could not connect to the internet, and that he could not play Dota 2. He kept trying to connect to the internet and, once connected, grumbled that the signal was poor and the speed was slow. Irritated by such constant grumble, I yelled at him, telling him to stop playing Dota 2 and get a life. He told me to give it a try--playing Dota 2--since he knew I have never been into such games but I strongly refused his suggestion. I have never played such games and I'm bad at playing such games. I once signed up for RF Online and ended up neglecting the ID, complaining that the interface was so complex "I could not even understand a thing."
The next morning he tried to connect to the internet again to play Dota 2. I suggested moving to the living room, taking his notebook with him due to the poor signal quality in our bedroom (yeah I just have to admit it). He moved to the living room, taking his notebook with him and reconnecting to the internet. I sat next to him and wondered how Dota 2 was like. I came up with the same idea, complaining that the interface was way too complex for me and I could not understand a thing. I kept asking my big brother what he was doing, what he was clicking, what creatures showing up, what the mission was, and so on. All the things made me confused and I asked him what makes him so happy to play it. I wondered why he played it a lot. I even asked him what was the point of playing the game. He told me that it was fun and I got to play it, at least once in a lifetime. The suggestion met my strong refusal, saying that I would not play such game and I would never understand a thing due to the extreme complexity. I even told him to play any other games and get a life. Thereby I admitted my inability to process complex things. Maybe this explains why my big brother does math well and I hate math.
Now I realize I have been so selfish, urging my big brother to leave what makes him happy and follow my standard of having fun. I must have forgotten that happiness is not something which is set in a stone. I must have forgotten that Dota 2 is what makes my big brother happy, though it is not for me. I felt bad as I realized I have said such words to my big brother, even telling him to 'get a life' since he played Dota 2 a lot (well he needs to reduce the frequency of playing the game anyway). He was okay when I refused to play Dota 2. Unlike him, I was not so okay when my big brother told me Dota 2 was a great fun. I was disappointed to see that things did not go my way, that we did not share the same way of having fun. I play Pump It Up a lot and there are times when my big brother has to sit down, waiting and watching me playing Pump It Up. He must be bored because Pump It Up is not his stuff but he never complains. He never tells me to stop playing Pump It Up. He even tried, once, though he failed a stage.
Oh God. I feel so bad. I must have been real selfish.
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