Most of my friends know me as a bubbly person. I act as a cheerful person each day, or at least, try to be cheerful. I can say I'm somewhat childish and this is probably due to my mental age being younger than my real age. Often times I talk about random things with my senpais and some close friends; things that are unusual and stupid (and by the way this habit is not influenced by Cat Valentine). Sometimes some questions I ask bother my senpais because they think "it's abnormal and we should not be talking about it".
I'm an expressive one as well. I show my anger when I'm angry, I laugh hard when feeling happy, and I cry when feeling sad. Well some people think that it is kind of exaggeration for a boy to be so expressive. I've been through those critics and now I don't care about people thinking of me being very exaggerated because I think it's fine for me to be expressive as long as I don't cause any troubles (well if someone hates me for something I should not bother thinking of it, then I can't help but continuing living my life). I can extremely adore someone or something and I can extremely hate someone or something as well, and usually I straightforwardly tell my senpais about what I think or what I feel about something or someone.
So, do I sound like an extrovert now?
Unfortunately, I'm basically an introvert. I don't like being in a crowd of strangers, without any close friends around me. It will kill me somehow. Sometimes I'm afraid to start a conversation with a stranger (unless if my friend is around) and often times I can't help but remaining silent during a peer gathering. What do I have to say? How should I start it? Do I really have to start a conversation? Can't I just wait until someone asks me first?
Back then I didn't know Mitobe-senpai (he's my senpai's best friend whom I'm not close with until today) and unlike the other senpais, he didn't seem friendly; he always looked cold and hardly ever asked me anything. He once said something and I didn't like it--both the thing he said and the way he said it. I didn't think I'd befriend him because he was so unfriendly. To my surprise, a friend of me had befriended him and they both were kind of good friends. The situation forced me to face Mitobe-senpai and one day, with my friend, I visited his loft for the first time. It was surprising because Mitobe-senpai started to talk more about anything. This morning, during the class I chatted with Mitobe-senpai since Hyuuga-senpai was in his clutch mode and people have told me not to bother him when he is in such mode. We wrote messages in a paper and we talked about each other which helped me to understand Mitobe-senpai better. Later it made me realize that Mitobe-senpai was, to some extent, just like me; we don't really talk to stranger so one has to be close to us before we can open ourselves to them.
My introversion has caused me to avoid crowds of strangers. There have been some people calling me cold and unapproachable because sometimes I don't talk in a friendly manner to them. I treat them coldly and don't start a conversation. No, it's not that I'm a bad person. I just.. I just don't feel like talking to strangers. I don't know how to start it. I believe I have included such questions in the previous paragraph. People thinking of me being cold and too rigid has caused me to be somewhat 'avoided'. I don't mind being avoided by acquaintances actually because what I want is to be around my close friends. Acquaintances are not my friends, but once I consider someone a friend, then he is a friend for me (although he might not be my close friend or my best friend). As for me, acquaintances are people whom I should not talk with and, even to its extreme, smile at. Why do I have to smile at them while I don't know them? It might sound harsh but.. Whatever. You may call me rude or something but I just don't feel like starting a conversation with a stranger. My senpai's girlfriend must have been upset and she must have disliked me but I don't care.
What is seen from me each day is my bubbly side, and only few people can see the real side of me. Some people think of me being bubbly so I love being in public place, meeting new people and having lots of fun, but I'm actually a loner sitting at the corner, enjoying Starbucks' venti-size iced hazelnut roast chocolate and listening to Cullum, Bublé, Grande, Lin, or Adele. People know I play Pump It Up, as well as any other music-based arcade games, but do they know about me sitting in a park and enjoying serenity? Do people know that sometimes it's a pleasure for me to walk alone, wandering around the city and taking some pictures of city landscape? I see people walking down the street with their colleagues but I'm walking by myself like a lone ranger. In the midst of the crowd in a shopping mall, I walk by myself, enjoying my drink while looking at fancy displays. People come with their friends and family, but I come alone. Do I feel lonely?
I don't know. I may feel lonely, but I'm not really lonely.
Some people appreciate togetherness, while I try to appreciate both togetherness and loneliness. It's not always a bad thing to be alone. I've wandered by myself for a thousand times and I don't mind wandering alone. Discovering new things, seeing fancy things, looking up the sky and realizing how blue it is, and I do it by myself. I don't even ask my jiejie (Chinese word for elder sister) to go out with me to enjoy afternoon sunset. I do some things by myself and I don't like when someone bothers me. Unlike some introverts, I don't really like reading books, although I read books somehow. I prefer reading holiday magazine to thick novels. Why do sometimes people associate introverts with books?
But sometimes I feel lonely. And when feeling lonely, I don't really need to come to crowded places. I just need a friend, or two to three friends to be with me. Having a nice coffee and listening to good soul music, a good friend is what I need when I'm feeling lonely and unfortunately, I haven't found a very close friend whom I could really rely on. It's sad that I actually have siblings but I still feel lonely. My jiejie complaints a lot about her life and my koko (Hokkien for elder brother) is damn too busy with his daily activities. I think Hyuuga-senpai does not think of me as his close friend; probably I'm just a bubbly kouhai who loves to talk about random things. Mitobe-senpai clearly said that up to this day he and I have no similar interests to talk about. Some friends of mine make groups and I don't think I really belong to one of them. Do I feel sad about this? No, I'm not. I'm just confused. Probably I don't fit in the group, but I don't mind it. I just.. Well is it okay to have no group?
My mind is actually in a random mode now so I think I have to stop.
People think that I'm a bubbly person, but I'm not. They don't know me.
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