Lately I've been feeling uneasy, like something has been following me everywhere. No, it's not about supernatural stuffs. I didn't commit any crimes either. I just, I've been feeling that way, that something has made me feel so uneasy. Or rather, I've been haunted.
My mom wants me to graduate soon. That's why I was quite depressed back, like three months ago because I had to finish the research proposal when I, actually, still needed more time to refine it. For your information, I submitted my research proposal like a month ago and the department demanded me to revise the proposal so I could continue doing my research. The problem came when they told me that the topic I chose was something difficult and, due to some reasons, I was given options, whether to keep the topic or change it. I ended up deciding to change the topic, which means that I had to start over, yeah, like starting back from the scratch and finding another idea for my research. I came up with the idea of doing research on translation field and my friends said that it was a good idea because they knew I'm a freelance translator and, even, a lecturer who is an expert in translation field supported my decision.
I joined an internship program starting from February to April. It required me to focus on my tasks. I worked in a group alongside five other girls in a radio station. I went to the radio station where I worked as a member of creative team for a program (almost) every day, from Monday to Friday. I had to leave at four and it took an hour to reach my workplace. I worked for two hours, from 5 to 7. Sometimes they extended the work hour and that was a great pain. It took another one, oh no, two hours to reach home so I spent like two hours on public transportation, sitting and listening to the same playlist every single day. I was really tired I got no much time to even 'touch' and 'make out' with my research proposal. It has been obviously neglected.
I received an e-mail from WikiHow like one month ago (almost at the same time I started the internship program), informing that I have become a part of translator family for WikiHow, English-to-Indonesian translation. The job offered me great deal of money and I liked it. I like it. I really really like it. I really really really fucking like it. Who doesn't like money? Who doesn't need money? Even if you're a billionaire, it's a bullshit if you say that you don't need money. Without money, you ain't no goddamn billionaire. So I worked my ass off, day and night to translate some articles worth some bucks. I have earned a hundred bucks and I've told myself to work my ass off even harder so I can earn some more.
I eventually realize that working on the translation project seems like drinking a bottle of Manischewitz. It's so sweet that I can't tell if I'm already drunk or not because I enjoy it so much. Sometimes sweetness makes people oblivious to the real situation. So does job (and money). I realize that I've been so busy working my ass off, day and night, and neglected my research proposal. As I tried to do what I should have done earlier, I felt like I didn't want to do it. I don't want to do it for now because I'm not ready yet. Starting over means I have to learn new theories, find new research objects, and... yeah... basically do everything from the very beginning.It's not a simple and easy thing to do. It's not something that you can do in 5 minutes, like cooking an instant noodle and brewing nice tea. Collecting data and source books are not as easy as collecting beautiful corals while walking on the beach, and the pressure from my parents just make things more difficult for me.
I kind of need fresh air. I need to relax. I need to retreat for a while, undisturbed. I need to find a place where I can just sit and enjoy fresh air (maybe a secluded beach resort would do). I can't do it in this very kind of condition, as I'm not ready and I (have to admit it) feel a bit lazy to start. The previous tasks from the internship program are not as easy as I thought and I need to improve my translation skill in order to make better translations. Shit why are things so much more complicated when I have reached 20? Sometimes I wish I was still eighteen. Yeah. Maybe things would just be easier for me, though it sounds like things would be just the same. Okay. Whatever.
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