Leaning against wall, I
watched Rendra typing so fast on his Macbook. We were not in hurry, yet Rendra
typed fast as if a bomb was about to blow up in a minute and destroy this
place. I looked at the mirror in front of me. Should I have my hair cut?
“Typing so fast, huh?” said I.
“I type fast when I’m hungry,”
he replied.
“Well, should we leave now
before you’re hangry?” asked I.
“Hangry?” asked he.
“You know. When you're hungry, then you're angry,”
I answered.
I walked to the pantry and
made a cup of tea for myself. Rendra always let me make tea or coffee for
myself. In return, I let him open my refrigerator and eat some snacks I bought,
unless when he took my Baskin-Robbins.
“Is Du Fei going with us
today?” asked I.
“No. He already left,”
answered Rendra.
“Going on a date, huh?” asked
I.
“Kind of. With that Sara
girl,” answered Rendra.
I drank my tea slowly and, to
my surprise, it tasted so sweet. Did I put too much sugar? It was still hot
that my tongue got burnt.
“This is so sweet. I mean, too
sweet. Now it tastes like Manischewitz, served hot,” said I.
“Manischewitz? You went to
Sara’s house on Passover?” asked Rendra.
“No, I didn’t. Du Fei did,”
answered I, “He brought home a bottle of Manischewitz and we spent a night
drinking it while watching Big Bang Theory.”
Rendra suddenly stopped typing
and stared at me.
“How unforgivable!” cried he,
“You two had drink and watched Big Bang Theory without me?”
“What were we supposed to do?”
replied I, “I had tried calling you but you didn’t answer so we watched without
you. Else, weren’t you going out with Alice that night?”
“Ah, Alice,” Rendra sighed and
leant on his chair.
“Well. Plenty of fish in the
sea,” said I, putting my tea cup on the pantry counter.
Raising both his shoulders,
Rendra grinned. He closed the lid of his Macbook and wore his navy grey Pull
and Bear jumper. He might have finished his business so I’d better wash the
cup. I was about to wash the cup when Rendra told me that we should leave.
“You don’t have to wash it.
Let me do it later,” said he.
“That’s so kind of you. No
wonder why I hate you so much,” replied I.
We left Rendra’s flat and walked
along the corridor. It was unusually very quiet here and somehow the atmosphere
raised goosebumps on my skin. I wondered where the people were. Probably they
stayed in their flats or went somewhere because it was Sunday, cloudy Sunday. I
myself didn’t really feel like going today. My bed and some books on interior
design interested me better than hot ramen and Thai food.
“So, have you talked to her?”
asked Rendra while we were waiting for the lift.
“Her who?” asked I.
“Your friend in Bandung. Your
high school friend,” said Rendra.
“Ah, I have called her,”
replied I, “We’re good, though I didn’t feel the same.”
“Well you know. Plenty of fish
in the sea,” said Rendra, retelling what I had said earlier.
The lift door opened and we
got in. I pressed button number 1 and the capsule smoothly went down to the
first floor. There were bell and call buttons and sometimes I wanted to press
the buttons, even though it was not in an emergency. The lift stopped at the
first floor and, when the door opened, Rendra and I were astounded as a person
I knew well was standing, waiting for the lift. I didn’t expect that he would
come and visit me today, all of sudden, without telling me in advance. It was
unusual that he didn’t tell me beforehand that he would come. Else, I thought
he was mad at me because he hadn’t mailed me these days.
“Oh, Reyhan’s dad! Good
morning!” Rendra greeted my dad.
“Good morning. Where are you
two going?” asked dad.
“We are going to eat ramen,
dad,” answered I immediately before Rendra said something else.
“It is fine, Reyhan. I can go
by myself,” said Rendra.
I grinned as Rendra left
without me. Now it was just me and my dad, and I bet I had to go back to my
flat. He brought a small luggage with him. Perhaps, dad would stay here for two
or three days, but staying with me would definitely be an inconvenience for
him. Where is he going to sleep? My bed would
not be enough for two persons. Else, dad snores when he sleeps and that would
definitely a bother for me. I can’t let dad sleep on the carpet, of course, but
I don’t want to sleep on the carpet either! My flat’s a bit messy and I haven’t
cleaned it for three days, which would definitely trigger dad’s anger. When
dad’s angry, he will not talk—such a passive aggressiveness.
“Where are you staying?” asked
I while dad and I were going upstairs.
“I haven’t booked a hotel
room,” said dad.
“So where do you want to
stay?” asked I.
“I’m going to stay with you.
That’s all,” answered dad.
“But dad!”
The lift door opened and we
walked out, heading to my flat. Walking along the corridor, dad asked me how I
have been doing. I told dad about the exam and he seemed worried. The material
for the exam was difficult and I had had to spend two nights practicing at
campus with my friends before the exam day. A day before the exam, my A string
popped so I rushed to nearby music store to buy two sets of strings, one for
spare just in case another string would pop. The result came out three days
after the exam and my friends and I made it. Dad seemed relieved, knowing that
I passed it. I unlocked my door and opened it. Dad was surprised when he saw my
flat.
“I didn’t have much time to
clean my flat. Sorry it’s a real mess here,” said I.
Dad observed my flat as if he
was checking for something hazardous in my flat. I thought my flat was cleaner
than Rendra’s flat. Tony’s flat was even messier that I thought I was in an
episode of Hoarders when I visited
him.
“You did clean up your flat,” said
dad.
“Not really. I haven’t cleaned
it for three days,” replied I.
Dad sat on my bed and saw my
timetable. I grabbed my chair and sat. Should
I say it? Dad really should not be
staying with me.
“Dad, are you really going to
stay with me?” asked I.
“I’m staying in Singapore for a
week,” answered dad.
“A week? You aren’t serious,
are you?” I astounded.
“Yes. I’m on a temporary leave
anyway,” replied dad.
“But, dad, you really can’t
stay here with me. The place is not—“
“You know I always stick to my
plan, don’t you?” dad interrupted.
I grinned loudly. How am I supposed to do now? It’s not that
I’m going to do something bad. I worry about the situation. I stood up and
made tea for dad and myself. Dad turned the aircon off and opened my window.
“Please close the window and
turn the aircon on, dad,” asked I.
“Don’t you like the air?”
asked dad.
“No, I don’t. This is not
Bandung,” replied I.
Two cups of tea are ready to
serve. Tea would be great to drink in this kind of cloudy day. Dad sipped his
tea slowly and looked out the window. The sky got darker and darker. It would
be raining soon.
“Dad, I am going to help you
find good hotel nearby,” said I.
“I stick to my plan, Reyhan. I
am going to stay with you,” dad asserted.
“But where are you going to
sleep? You won’t sleep on the carpet, will you?” asked I impatiently.
“I have informed the doorman
and the manager of this building that I would stay with you for a week and they
gave me permission to do so. They would even provide an extra bed for me,”
answered dad.
I sighed. I could not believe
this. Dad would really stay with me for a week. I eventually ended up spending
the day with dad in my flat, talking about my current life and my plans for
next year. Dad complained how he started getting tired of his current life and
wanted to resign. I suggested dad taking another temporary leave for a week and
went on holiday somewhere. Dad might have worked too hard that he didn’t have
time for himself.
“I’m on my holiday now,
visiting my youngest son in Singapore,” said dad.
“I mean somewhere else, dad.
Hong Kong, Taiwan, or Japan,” said I.
“That’s supposed to be a
family holiday,” said dad.
It was seven fifteen and I
started feeling hungry. I asked dad about eating out and he said he wanted to
eat tempura almond shrimp. We decided to go to Boat Quay and have dinner at a
waterfront Asian restaurant. I told dad how I loved after-rain evenings. The
air was fresher and cooler. Ever since wet season began, my jumper was not
overheating me. But still, wearing my windcheater jacket was still unnecessary,
even in the coldest night.
“What do you want to eat?”
asked dad.
“Chicken with honey lime
sauce,” replied I.
“Still the same,” replied dad.
After ordering, dad talked
about random things I apparently had missed since I lived in Singapore. He told
me about a stray cat he found sheltering under his car in the carport and
decided to keep it. He still had no idea what name should be given to it but he
said the cat was male. I suggested naming him Chopin but dad refused the
suggestion, saying that the name was too ‘musical’ for a cat. When a group of
Japanese tourists came, dad told me that he might name the cat a Japanese name
and eventually decided to go with Makou. Our food were served and I was
surprised, looking at how large the portion was. It was too large for a person
and I wondered if I could take the leftovers home so I didn’t need to buy food
for tomorrow morning.
“The shrimp is good. Do you
want to try some?” asked dad.
Raising both my shoulders, I
refused dad’s offer and ate my food. Dad suddenly talked about our neighbor who
died of heart attack. I called her Mrs. Aida. She was sixty something and had
once worked as a high school teacher, teaching Sundanese. She used to live with
her Dutch-descent husband whom my elder brother and I always referred to as opa Abe. When I was in high school, opa Abe passed away and Mrs. Aida lived
alone ever since. Her children did not live with her anymore and they visited her
some times.
“I was on the verge of waking
up when I heard knocks on the door. I checked who was it and it was a boy in
your age. He came to tell me that Mrs. Aida had just passed away,” said dad.
“It’s scary to know how people
die so suddenly,” said I.
We finished eating our food
and dad ordered a cup of coffee. If he drank too much coffee, he wouldn’t be
able to sleep tonight. Else, it was unusual that dad ordered coffee. He drank
tea on daily basis so seeing him ordering a cup of coffee was kind of strange.
“I though you didn’t like
coffee,” said I.
“Well, just once in a while,”
said dad, “Don’t you feel hot wearing the jumper?”
“No, I don’t. The weather is a
bit cold anyway,” replied I.
“Why wouldn’t you put it off?”
asked dad.
“I don’t feel the urge to put
it off. I want to wear this,” answered I.
“It’s no use if you’re trying
to hide the cuts on your arms. I already knew it,” said dad.
I was astounded, staring at
dad blankly. How did he know it? Did someone tell him? Fuck! She must have told dad about it! I should have not called and told her
everything! Why did she do that?
“I’m alright, dad. I’m fine,”
asserted I.
“There’s nothing fine with
suicide attempts, being rushed to the hospital and seeing psychiatrist. You
should stop pretending that everything is okay,” replied dad.
“But I really am fine now. I
am. You don’t have to worry about me, dad,” said I.
“I never miss a day without
worrying about you. You live far away from me. How can I not worry about you?
You used to live with me and then you live miles away from me. How can you
expect me not to worry about you? I’ve heard that you fought with your brother
and he made you depressed that you attempted suicide. Your friend called me
that night and told me everything,” said dad.
Fuck! Tania really did it! Tania
really called dad and told him everything. I would regret calling her, I would
never call her again.
“Do you miss your mom?” asked
dad.
“Mom?” I frowned, confused.
“Yes. Your mom,” said dad.
“Well, I do. I do miss mom. I
miss you, too, dad. I miss you two every day, more than I miss anyone in this
world,” replied I.
“I miss you, too! I’ve been
living without you around for almost a year. Can’t you imagine how hard it is
to live without you? When your brother moved out and lived with his wife, I
knew that I’d feel lonely somehow but I knew I wouldn’t be that lonely because
you lived with me. Now, you live abroad and I have to live alone. I really feel
lonely. I should not say this to you but I have to admit feeling lonely,” said
that.
“Does he visit you often?”
asked I.
“He who?” asked dad.
“My brother,” said I.
“You should have referred to
him as mas Eza. Listen, please make
up with your brother and don’t make me feel more uneasy. When I knew our
neighbor passed away, I was shocked and somehow frightened. She died alone
and—“
“Dad! Nobody wants to die
alone!” I interrupted.
Dad sighed and sipped his coffee.
I rolled up my jumper sleeves and showed the cuts on my arms. They were still
there, even though it has been almost two weeks since I had been caught being
masochist and attempting suicide.
“See these cuts? Dad, I really
am sorry for being a masochist and making you worried,” said I.
“I didn’t expect it to be this
bad,” said dad, almost whispering.
“Dad, please listen to me.
That time, I thought I’d better die. I thought everything was not fixable and
nothing could be done to make it better, so I started hurting myself and
thought of attempting suicide until my friends caught me and rushed me to the
hospital. After a while, I realized I was wrong. I don’t want to die. Even
though I’d be closer to mom if I die, I don’t want to die. If I die, I can’t see
you anymore. I can’t see people I love anymore. I’ll leave you all and then
you’ll be lonely, and I don’t want to make you lonely,” I explained.
“I was scared to death that
something bad would happen to you. I urged your brother to come that night and
I talked about you with him. I was so furious knowing that you attempted
suicide, blaming him because I knew he had had a fought with you,” said dad.
“Dad, you have come to this
stage where you realize your children are now grownups and you have to live alone.
I’m going to come to that stage, too. So is he. I think almost all parents—“
“Call him properly! He is your
brother!” dad interrupted, rebuking me.
I grinned and rolled down my
sleeves.
“Dad, you have come to this
stage. This might be hard but you have to face it. I know you feel lonely but
don’t you think I don’t feel lonely either? Dad, I never miss a day without
thinking about you. I never miss a night without praying for you before I sleep
and even though now I am still hurt and mad at mas Eza, I pray for him, too,” I explained.
“I didn’t expect I’d feel this
lonely,” said dad.
“I hope you can wait for me,
dad. You will wait for me, won’t you? As soon as I graduate, I’ll go back to
Indonesia,” said I.
Dad sipped his coffee. He
looked at the river. There was a motorboat going upstream, decorated in fancy
lights. Wouldn’t it be nice to cruise
along the river?
“Thank you for visiting me,
dad,” said I, “Thank you for spending a week to stay with me.”
Dad smiled at me and ruffled
my hair. I thought I was too old for having my hair ruffled. My brother still sometimes ruffled my hair. Alice had ruffled my hair, too, once. There was dead leaf sticking to my hair. Basically, she hadn't ruffled my hair; she had tried to get rid of the dead leaf off my hair.
“Even though you are a grownup
now, you’re still my son,” said dad.
Dad and I laughed. Am I going to be my parents' forever baby? Nah, I don't know. I told dad
that tomorrow I would have a practice with chamber orchestra and asked dad if
he would love to watch the practice session. Dad told me how much he missed my
violin play and complained how quiet it was at home now without me playing the
violin and guitar. I was glad to know that dad would come to watch me practice
with the chamber orchestra tomorrow. After practice, we might have lunch
together and meet Rendra and Du Fei, and then go somewhere together. Dad
wouldn’t mind treating us some snacks, for sure.
Realizing dad’s effort to make
sure that I am fine, I felt like crying. He took a temporary leave only to
visit me and make sure that I’m okay. Knowing that dad has been lonely, I felt
like crying. I didn’t know that dad has been feeling that way and I felt bad
that he felt lonely. I wanted dad to be happy. Dad could afford a spacious hotel
room that would offer him better amenities, but he decided to stay with me in
my small, messy flat because living in such condition was not a big deal for
him. What he wanted was meeting me and making sure that I was fine. I was
afraid that would not feel comfortable living with me but if that was what made
him happy, then I couldn’t help but letting him stay with me because, actually,
being visited by dad and knowing that he would stay with me for a while would
be a happiness for me, too. I felt bad for having asked dad to live somewhere
else. I should have not asked that.
“Your phone. There’s an
incoming call,” said dad.
I looked at my phone screen
and my brother’s name appeared. I was about to reject the call when dad
suddenly answered it.
“Speak to him, Reyhan,” said
dad.
I sighed and reluctantly
talked to my brother.
“It’s me,” said I.
“Is dad with you now?” asked
he.
“Yeah. Why?” asked I.
“Just want to know that he’s
fine,” answered he.
“Dad is fine. Really fine.
Don’t worry,” replied I.
“How about you?” asked he.
“I’m fine. Perfectly fine,”
answered I.
For a moment there was
silence, followed by a subtle sob. What
happened with him?
“You attempted suicide, didn’t
you?” asked he.
“Great! Now everyone knows
it,” said I, cynically.
“You should have not done it,”
said he.
"Yeah, I know," replied I.
Do I speak way too casually for a person who has been caught being masochist and tried to commit suicide? Yeah, I do, but I don't see the deal of speaking in such a pathetic manner. This time I could hear my
brother sobbing louder. I had never heard him crying like this before. He must
be really scared of losing his younger brother. He almost lost him once, so
definitely knowing that his younger brother had attempted suicide was a real
shock for him. Dad looked at me, confused. I raised both my shoulder and shook
my head.
“I am sorry. I really am
sorry,” he sobbed.
I didn’t know what to say. Really,
I didn’t know what to say.
