Have you ever felt like living someone else's life? Well it sounds like lyrics of Bublé's "Home" but that's actually a question I come up with. I personally feel happy with my current life, regardless problems I have to deal everyday (because we can't live without problems). I'm a sophomore, majoring English literature. I'm a piano player. I have no jobs for now but sometimes someone offers me a part-time job--playing piano for a wedding party or performing with my bandmates in acoustic session. I live with my parents and two siblings. My parents bought a two-story house, not so expansive but it has a wide garage for two cars, two motorcycles, and two bicycles. I can see it--my life is simply good and some friends have said I'm lucky enough to live my life.
But sometimes I lie awake at night, musing about my life. "Is this what I really want in my life?"
I'm lucky to have my parents who, even though they do, do not set high expectation on me. But sometimes it's kind of annoying when my parents start comparing me to my friends or relatives. I go home and tell my mom that I've got (let's say) A- in a test and she'd be like "Well that's cool but you should have done better". Well, that must have been the best I did. I personally do not aim perfection, though sometimes I demand it from others. In family gathering, parents are more likely to talk about their children. My auntie and her not-so-friendly spouse often times boast their daughter who majors medicine. They do not compare her to me explicitly but they mention how she's been doing and her achievement, implicitly stating that she must have dong better than me. So, do I have to study medicine in order to look good in front of people? And when people ask "what do you study" and I answer "I study English literature", is that uncool? I hate it when a lecturer implicitly stated that I (and those who take literature specialization) should have done something applicable for society--applied linguistics, teaching methods, or whatnot. What if I don't like such things? What if I like doing Marxism analysis on storybooks and see how reality is constructed within the books? Am I a person whom people, particularly my parents, can't be proud of, just because I don't make great things?
I can play piano and isn't it enough to be proud of? Talking about imperfection is talking about myself. I'm imperfect and I know that. People say I'm lucky to live my life but I realize I suck at more things. I'm bad at sports--I don't like sports involving teams. I'm bad at math and that's why I didn't do well on statistics course. I might be a coward since I fear of falling from my vehicle, well, because back then I had a traffic accident. I fell from my motorcycle, headfirst to the road, causing a small tremor in my brain which affected my life for about one to two months. Despite those "I'm bad at"s, I believe I have something good which I can be proud of (and people can be proud of, too). I'm quite good at literature courses. I can play piano. I can play music-based arcade games that my friends find difficult to play. My voice is not so good but at least I try not to be out-of-tune. I can fetch song chords and write them for my friends. I'm happy being this way, but why do I have to be like someone else in order to meet people's expectation?
When I told my mom that I'd like to own my own coffee shop, she was like "Well why don't you try finding a job?". Back then when I was in senior high school, I told my teacher that I'd like to become a musician and he was like "You'd better work in a big company, I mean, working in a big company while doing musical gigs". When I told my friends that I'm bad at sports, they were like "You can't be like this. You gotta try playing soccer". The problem arose when I realized that I'd like to run my own business and make jobs for people rather than finding a job (though I know I have to learn basics of business before running one). I realized that I didn't really want to work in a big company, I mean, working in a big company is not a really big deal and I prefer becoming a musician to becoming an employee. I also realized that I'm bad at sports and though I've tried, still, I'm not really interested in sports.
Why do I have to live in people's expectation, instead of mine? Why do we people focus more on what other people think of us, instead of what we think of ourselves? Why do we try hard to look perfect in front of people? What's the purpose of being rich and educated when we are not happy? Why do we have to meet people's expectation and deny our own expectation in order to please people and appear perfect in front of them? Why do I have to do this and that, wear this kind of clothes and act this way? Why do I have to go to school? Why do I have to get accepted in big companies? What if I don't want to focus on what people think of me? What if I just want to be myself? What if I'm imperfect? What if I can't make much money? What if I don't want to do this or that, go to school, and study as hard as hell? What if I don't want to work in big companies? What if I just want to live my very own life, make my own happiness, and be the real me?
Every decision comes with its own consequences. Everyday human being deals with decision-making and they have to deal with any consequences coming afterwards. We live this way and we have consequences from the way we live. I know my decision would take me to its consequence but at least I live my own life and I meet my own expectation, not other people's.
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